If you are a statistics person, love and marriage go together about like divorce and marriage do. Around half of all marriages in this country end in divorce. Not very romantic, is it?
According to the National Institutes of Health, the leading causes of divorce in the U.S. are lack of commitment, adultery, too much arguing, marrying too young, financial issues and substance use.
I have been through divorce. As for what caused my first marriage to end, marrying too young is the best explanation. Chronologically, we were not that young. How about we take that further and call it emotional immaturity? You really don’t have to be a certain age to be emotionally immature, which I was. Not blaming the ex. That was on me.
When my first husband proposed marriage, I was 25 and very fearful of becoming an old maid. (Can you even use that expression anymore?) Regardless, that is where my head was. I remember my father asking me why I wanted to get married, and I had no answer; but I thought to myself, “Because he asked me.” I did not realize it 30-plus years ago, but my dad had asked the most important question there is when it comes to marriage: Why?
Why even get married, especially when half of marriages end in divorce? I guess a lot of people are not really thinking about that, because the marriage rate per 1,000 women ranges between 16 to 18. According to data from the U.S. Census Bureau, those numbers have remained stagnant for decades.
Before you call me a cynic, you should know that I have been married – this time – for almost 17 years. We are happy, and that is because we asked ourselves and each other a lot of questions before we walked down the aisle (well, beach, actually.) We asked if we were ready to commit, if we regarded one another as best friends, if we were honest in this relationship, if we agreed about finances – and so many other important questions. Is it perfect? Of course not. I don’t know of any perfect marriages, but I know of plenty that are happy.
Despite our seemingly Spock-like thought process about it, my husband and I enjoy a romantic marriage. We are more like besties, however, than anything else. I can’t really tell you exactly why our marriage works; I am not expert on love. I could tell you a lot more about what not to do in any relationship, than I could offer advice about how to succeed at marriage.
I will say there is some great news about marriage. The Census Bureau reports that between 2008 and 2022, the divorce rate per 1,000 women fell from ten to seven. Maybe that means we are starting to put more thought into this life-changing decision. It could be that we, as a society, stress relationship-building much more than they did when my parents got married. They made it 50 years before my mother passed.
Marriage is about far more than affection. It is dedication and the kind of love that will get you through the best and worst of times together as a team. In this month dedicated to all things romance, I say follow your heart; but if you are considering marriage, make sure your brain is a huge part of the process.