Before you answer the title question with a pithy, “I am not a candy,” read on.
Based on my internet research, it turns out that we are all defined by Halloween candy. I am not necessarily talking about your candy choice, either. The candy may choose you.
I took the “Which Halloween Candy Are You” quiz on buzzfeed.com — I did it because I always find personality quizzes amusing. All I had to do was answer a bunch of questions about things such as my taste in scary movies, and dog costume preferences.
The results? I am, apparently, candy corn.
My entire sense of self worth is now shot. I do not like candy corn. In essence, this may mean that I don’t like myself. In fact, a separate quiz I found actually says that if candy corn is your favorite, you do not like yourself. That’s harsh; but if I was candy corn (and I am so NOT) no matter what the first quiz said, I would hate myself.
I am trying to remember that these are just silly quizzes, but I am developing a complex.
Another quiz that defines you based on your candy of choice, declared anyone who prefers candy corn to be a psychopath. I can actually get on board with that.
According to that same quiz, anyone who opted against candy and chose dental floss or fruit for their favorite treat, was a party pooper. I can get on board with that, also.
Another quiz bluntly breaks the news that you are a “loser” if you really get excited to find a box of raisins among the treats collected in your plastic pumpkin.
“Wait a second,” you say, “raisins aren’t candy!”
I must remind you, my friend, that raisins are, in fact, “nature’s candy.” Not my decision — some advertising executive got paid a lot of money to come up with that one.
I really do like Tootsie Rolls. That, according to one quiz, means I’m having trouble paying off my student loan. Ha! I don’t even have a student loan.
The Candystore.com 2021 rankings listed candy corn as the worst candy. That doesn’t help my confidence much. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups ranked the best candy and topped the candystore.com “Favorite Halloween Candy” list. The site also breaks down the rankings by state, and candy corn ranked second in Michigan last year. What was number one in The Mitten? Who cares? (Starburst). Candy corn came in tenth overall. Of all the candy out there, at least it made the “10 Best” list.
I have managed to come up with around 500 words chosen to make myself feel better about being called “candy corn” by an online quiz. Maybe I need to look in the mirror and ask myself what I see. Is it just a triangle-shaped, white, yellow and orange hunk of sugar?
I guess this year, instead of getting treats, I got tricked. Whatever you do, do not open the big, scary Halloween Candy Quiz … the answer just might terrify you.