Intercepted Letters to Santa


Dear Santa,

It’s been two years, and a lot of the lead pipes are still here. Could you please give a dictionary to our state and national elected officials with the word “crisis” highlighted in yellow? We’re starting to think they don’t quite get it.

Sincerely, The People of Flint


Dear Santa,

Can you please ignore any requests from the City of Flint about the water situation for, oh, at least another decade or so? We like things just the way they are.

Love & Kisses, The Bottled Water Industry


Dear Santa,

Could you please bring us some White Out® so we can fix our new-ish “welcome” sign. Right now, it says, “Welcome to Grand Blanc” on both sides and it’s confusing as heck. People don’t know whether they just came to town or left it. It’s like a Twilight Zone episode around here. Help!

Sincerely, The People of Grand Blanc


Dear Santa,

Exactly what time do you figure you and the reindeer will fly over Michigan? Why are we asking? Um, er, no reason. Have a safe trip. Fly low and slow, please.

Sincerely, The Deer Hunters of Michigan

(P.S. You might want to tuck a metal plate under your seat. Just in case.)


Dear Santa,

Have you heard about the I-75 construction project through Oakland County? It’s gonna take 14 years! That means, if you live here, getting to and from work in Oakland, Macomb or Wayne County is going to be a hellish nightmare for the next decade and a half! Whose idea was this? Please make sure they get coal in their stockings. Aaaarrgh!

Sincerely, The Commuters of Genesee County


Dear Santa,

Pretty please give Genesee County some road salt. They apparently forgot to buy any the last three winters.

Sincerely, Local Drivers


Dear Santa,

We want the Buick Open back! Put in a word with GM and the PGA for us, please.

Sincerely, Everyone Around Here


Dear Santa,

If you’ve got any pull in this department, could you maybe talk to whoever’s in charge of the weather and see if we could get a short winter, a long spring, a ridiculously nice summer and a long, warm fall this coming year? Oh, and if it’s not asking too much, a few less so-gray-and-gloomy-you-want-to-crawl-under-a-rock days in January and February. Thanks, no pressure.

Sincerely, Everyone Around Here (again)


Dear Santa,

Could you maybe suggest to the Pure Michigan people that they do a commercial on Flint that goes, “Surviving and even thriving through a man-made disaster that never should have happened, on top of all the other challenges you’re already facing as a community? That’s Pure Grit. That’s Pure Flint. That’s Pure Michigan.”

Signed, Andy


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