It is Self-Care September. You know what to do. Or do you? Of course, you can go get a massage, binge-watch rom-coms or take a really great nap. Technically, any of those counts as self-care. But there is something else you can do to celebrate this month, something that may not sound like it is even for you: forgive someone. Yes, I am suggesting letting someone who has done you wrong off the hook. A massage may sound a lot more pleasant and certainly much easier; but when it comes to long-term benefits for your soul, forgiveness is off the charts.
The great Maya Angelou once said, “It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.” Well, maybe just start with one person and see how that goes – but trust me on this; if you do it once, it will feel so good you will want to do it again. That’s because forgiving someone else is really something that benefits you far more than it does the other person. As someone once said, “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person.”
You suffer far more from the grudge you are holding onto than the person you have the grudge against ever will. Heck, they may not even be thinking about you. They may not even realize they did anything to hurt you in the first place. That may sting a little, but it is true. The act of being angry is all you. You are the one feeling it, the one it is keeping up at night. Even if the other person is hurt by your anger, chances are you are the one who is most tortured by it.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
Lewis B. Smedes
So, now that you know why you should forgive and that it is absolutely a form of self-care, the question is how? That is the tricky part. What may help the process a little is one simple truth: forgiving someone in no way means they are getting away with whatever they did. It does not make what they did okay. In fact, you do not even have to tell the other person you forgive them. If they have no idea you have been angry with them, you probably should not just barge in and tell them you forgive them. That would just open a whole can of worms.
Forgiveness can be a slow process, but it can start with empathy. That means trying to understand where the other person was coming from. Were they going through a dark time? Are they socially awkward? Do they like themselves? Sometimes, this alone will quiet stormy emotions.
This whole process requires honesty, too. I have had to ask myself if I have ever done the thing that I am struggling to forgive someone for. While it is not much fun to admit you may have hurt others, it can help you realize that we are all human and guilty of many of the same wrongs.
Give yourself time. There are a lot of good books about forgiveness. Sometimes praying about it or talking with someone objective can help you move forward, as well.
However you reach forgiveness, remember that it is a gift you are giving yourself; because, as Lewis Smedes said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
